NEWSFLASH: Tony Blair asks the British people to accept him as the ‘man with all the answers’ and their fourth prophet.

In front of a packed stadium, Tony Blair delivered a speech on the importance of accepting him as the man who knows best.

“It’s really not difficult to see me as your Lord, considering I’m handsome, smart and well endowed. I’ve come to lead you from the darkness of Brexit. Let me be the mouthpiece of the British public, let me tell you what’s right or wrong, regardless of this pesky thing called Democracy. I am your prophet – the fourth prophet, in fact –  forget Abraham, Jesus and Mohammed. Today I shall bring salvation to the plebs, not from Mt. Sinai, from the balcony of my very expensive mansion, bought for me by my loving followers (or tax-payers as the secular world knows them).

Think back, dear plebs, on my great achievements of days gone past. When the Middle East threatened us with imaginary weapons of mass destruction, and George Bush was promising me a lucrative job if I agreed to go to war. Who took the British people into their bosom? Of course it was I. I asked the British public, ‘would you like to go to a costly war with no real resolution in mind? Would you like to lose countless lives on an unnecessary war for the sole purpose of furthering my political career?’ The British public didn’t know what was best for them – they were too busy snuggling into my muscular bosom, of course – so I made the choice to further my political career at the expense of some plebeian lives. And who can say, with the benefit of hindsight, that it wasn’t the right choice for the British public? I made at least a few million in the process, I’m living a life of luxury and I only needed half a million people to die for it. Rejoice my plebs, for I have descended from Heaven above to help you in your time of need. Do not go ahead with Brexit, let us wallow in the status quo. Let your benevolent overlords and rich demagogues tell you the right way to think.”

-DO

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