The British public have demanded the Scottish referendum happen today, tomorrow or at least by Monday.
After another tense exchange of words between the English and Alexander of Salmond, the tides of opinion look to swell and then ebb, then maybe be 50/50 or somewhere near crisis point. With this in mind, the British public have demanded that the referendum, regardless of outcome, be pushed forward soon because they’re sick to the back teeth of hearing about it.
“I can’t stand news reporters telling me who said what or an interview with a Scottish 16 year old as they struggle to articulate their stupid words into stupid nonsense,” admitted office worker, Keith Flapjack.
Unfortunately the media have been attempting to speed up the next six days by reporting on it continuously, with little to no success.
“We thought mentioning it constantly would cause a rift in time, so when the news aired at 6, there would be a temporal rift and it would suddenly become 6pm on the 18th of September. We are still trying,” commented a resigned local news reporter.
British political parties refused to comment on the frenzy like reporting but did advise England to stockpile all the whiskey and short-breads you can find before the Scottish apocalypse begins. They also asked if anyone has seen any bribes labelled, ‘for Scotland’ could they please return them soon or the endless reporting will continue.
Disgruntled News – stockpiling tartan fabric