NEWSFLASH: Countless leaving life behind for an eternal Glastonbury Festival

As Glastonbury ends and festival goers made their way back home to work or learn, many have decided to stay and live out the Glastonbury festival forever.

The music festival scene attracts large numbers of old, young and arseholey demographics but one thing they all agree on is that living in a tent, taking drugs and listening to bands is considerably better than working or learning. That’s why many have decided to give up the shit they used to call life and start afresh in their £10 tents.

The estimated numbers of people refusing to return to their jobs and families is steadily rising with the number somewhere near 10,000. They are becoming a community now and refer to themselves as the ‘Glastoians’.

One of the clan leaders, Richard Head, was happy to discuss the recent developments: “I think the idea started at about 2am on Monday, we had just come to the realisation we would have to become fully functioning human beings again. So we started a festival chant about staying forever, you know those obnoxious ones like when everyone screams ‘Green Harvey’ without really knowing what they’re saying or how much of a dick they are – it was like one of them. It turns out everyone took it seriously and we had a community to care for.

“The main problems we’ve encountered so far are: a real lack of any hard drugs, we thought everyone might have some spare left over but it’s all gone. We’re discussing growing a marijuana farm but haven’t got any further than agreeing it would be awesome. The next problem was food but we’re thinking we can just eat the locals if they stray too close. Finally, the bands all left. We are forming our own bands now but no one brought any instruments with them so we’ve made a band that consists of empty beer bottle players. Right now they’re better than Ed Sheeran.”

However this community may encounter problems further down the line as the cows that graciously allow humans to use their field for the purpose of drugs and music aren’t happy about being robbed of their homes so selfishly. They’re in high court now campaigning against the Glastoians.

Disgruntled News – more pointless than hayfever.

Floods brought about as mortals anger Dolly Parton.

Floods brought about as mortals anger Dolly Parton.

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