Without warning or the sounding of an announcement horn, British media admitted that the last thing on his mind is to make you all scared, racist weasels.
Today outside the House of Commons, the entity known as British Media sometimes referred to as ‘The Head’, ‘The Knower of Things’ or ‘lad’ to his friends, tried to dispel the public’s fear that newspapers and news programmes are attempting to scare you into racism or trying to make you submissive like a snivelling weasel.
“It’s not that we want you to hate Muslims or fear everything,” began the Knower of Things. “We are just trying to highlight the very real danger a bunch of guys in the Middle East with no aspirations of leaving their country pose to you, personally. They could at any moment find themselves sick of their homeland and wish for the greenery of our Chiltern hills and the comfort of our cottages. You never know, it could probably, maybe happen so it’s worth worrying while you sleep.
“Ultimately it’s up to us to fudge the news. We don’t care for context, it literally means nothing any more, all that matters is that all news includes a British man or women standing by a burnt out car talking to shell-shocked locals while they repeat the words tragedy, and injustice. Although modern news has changed with the inclusion of a hashtag that summarises a disaster somewhere, like if there was a breakout of fatal diarrhoea in Surrey people online would show their support by appending their tweets with #surreyisshit, #savethemfromshits or #arsecannon. My advice to you is if you think we are trying to make you scared and/or racist, then stop thinking that and watch more of the news.”
The public were relieved by the honesty of “The Head” and now we can all peacefully relax in the comfort of knowing everyone is not trying to manipulate us into racist weasels.
Disgruntled News – The slayer of racist weasels