Young adults everywhere will be given a free scooter and a ‘Mad for Miliband’ t-shirt if they take up training.
The disenfranchised youth of Britain have been promised a free scooter and t-shirt if they submit to training. This comes after Ed Miliband was voted ‘least likely to get laid’ in a poll last week.
“The problem,” commented Ed. “Is that the youth of Britain have had a great amount of training when it comes to watching Jeremy Kyle, partaking in drugs or not wearing a condom.
“I want to change that, if they submit to training I will give them a free scooter and t-shirt. The form of training doesn’t matter, if they deal drugs then they are learning great inter-personal skills and how to work effectively in a fast paced environment. If they are working in retail then they’re learning how to slack off effectively and how to steal products they don’t need. If they are working in a factory then they are learning how to channel their rage and depression into effectively packing some shit into a box. If they are working in an office then they are learning that life is unfair and everyone around them is a cunt.
“The working youth should be given something for their struggles so a scooter and t-shirt seem appropriate for their suffering. Unfortunately the scooters will be powered by their legs, not by fossil fuels and I only have t-shirts in XXX Large so they can use it as a tent at festivals.”
The other political party leaders have promised the youth other such incentives to work. David Cameron has promised them a free subscription to The Farmers Guardian, and Nick Clegg has promised them a nude picture of him and Mr Blobby. The competition to win over the unwrinkled ones is fierce but promises to tip the bullshit we refer to as voting.
Disgruntled News – warping the imagination of your children