Google set to release new self-driving car

The trust placed in the human race has taken another blow as Google set to release a new car driven by itself.

As the 21st century grinds along, we are constantly given less and less tasks to occupy our minds. Now driving is about to come out of fashion with the arrival of the self-driving car.

The real inspiration for this new technology was the simple fact that “we just can’t trust you stupid lot with anything,” commented the Google Master. The car is run by some laser and sensor magic and the bonnet is made from a foamy substance, meaning you’ll have to try real hard to take someone out. The car can only go 25mph allowing you to read a book, draw a picture, make love to your significant other or slowly lose your mind on the m25.

Google have confirmed that the car will be filled with non-stop adverts powered by your boredom. The cars will even come equipped with card readers guaranteeing you the chance to buy whatever you want as you trundle slowly to your destination.

Richard Head, one of the first test drivers, said the car “was fun but it took me 2 hours to get to the gym and by that time I had shat myself as I was unable to park the fucking thing. It just stopped in the middle of the road and wouldn’t self-park. Also, a cat stepped out onto the road stopping my car in its tracks then it just sat there, licking itself like the smug un-run-over bastard that it was.”

“Yeah I enjoyed it. I think I spent £30 on diamante necklaces in a desperate attempt to stop being bored. And when I used the car to pick up some drugs, it automatically called the police, the fucking nark,” commented mum of ten, Julie Smith.

However, the self-driving car has many obstacles to overcome like how will men make small talk without a range of cars and what will the three overgrown man-babies from the popular show, Top Gear, do if all cars were the same? These questions and many more still require an answer before the “we don’t trust the human race” brand of technology makes its debut.


-Disgruntled NEWS, the news no one is talking about!


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