NEWSFLASH: David Cameron asks us to shut up!

zip it

David Cameron shocked the British public yesterday when he announced his election plans during his guest appearance on Cash in the Attic.

“Firstly and foremost, I’d like everyone to shut up all at once. This was my plan on the last elections and it stays the same. I want everyone who has a problem to just zip it because I really couldn’t give a flying fuck about your peasant problems. Do you think I want to go to Nigeria to save those girls? No of course not, I just want everyone to shut up about it. Do you think I want to protect the British economy? Of course not, I want to swan in like Tony Blair then apologise for my mistakes from the comfort of my hot tub.”

In a shocking turn of events, Ed Miliband came to the aid of his rival on Twitter by wholeheartedly agreeing with him. “David’s right, you lot are a bunch of moany arseholes. You’re literally less likable than Simon Cowell.”

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