NEWSFLASH: School dinners to heal rifts

Nick Clegg

Anyone who takes a trip to Westminster today will see croissants, sandwiches and lunch boxes crushed into the ground outside the House of Commons. This isn’t a repeat of the lunch wars of ‘97 that ravaged the country; it’s the jubilant celebrations of politicians who have sanctioned free lunches in schools.

“It’s been the highlight of my career” said an emotional Nick Clegg today, as he partied alongside his fellow politicians. “It’s literally been the first time we’ve agreed on anything since the tax scandal, when we all agreed that it wasn’t our fault. The budget is a bit tight at the moment so kids can look forward to a cheese string, plain water and a cracker – we’re still working out if they will come with butter on. We’ve done our utmost to ensure social cohesion and I can confidently say that the cheese string and cracker are not halal. We’re just hoping that our scientists can create that money tree or we’ll be absolutely buggered. And rest assured, even if this does go tits up – and I’ve bet a fiver it will – I’ll still be able to confidently say ‘this wasn’t my fault.’”

– The Disgruntled News

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